Today, I took a study break outside. It was a wonderful 60 degrees and I was setting up the grill to cook some marinated chicken. I was watching the sun begin the path below the horizon and I knew this would be a great sunset because the clouds were set up for the perfect show. My playlist, "The Glories of the Mountains" was playing on the stereo and my roommate's dog was running around my ankles waiting for me to play fetch. I finished up the chicken and grabbed some sweet potato fries just in time to watch the painting begin. The sun lit the sky on fire and the birds were alive with their God-given song. And I felt nothing. I felt no connection to this Divine Lord, the One in charge of the sky's orchestra.
I changed the playlist to "When Only Worship Makes Sense" and I dropped to my knees. These words pumped through the speakers for the third time today:
"Ye who think of sin but lightly. Nor suppose the evil great. Here may view its nature rightly. Here its guilt may estimate. Mark the Sacrifice appointed. See who bears the awful load. Tis the Word, the Lord's Anointed. Son of Man and Son of God."
It's the song "Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted" by Fernando Ortega and it's talking about the death of Christ on the cross. I heard it for the first time this morning in church and I was slammed with the conviction that I had been believing my sins only affected me. I was the one choosing to do them, I was the one who would pay the consequences and the affliction...or not feel them if I chose. Here, I am reminded of why sin is so great. The burden falls on my Lord. The burden sits on the shoulders of my Savior on a cross giving His last breath so that I may have access to my Abba Father. So that I may rejoice over a wonderful sunset, or slightly charred chicken on a grill. So that I may live my life with the promise of salvation and a hope that never ceases. And in my ignorance I closed my eyes and jaded my heart.
As I stayed on my knees the life I had been choosing washed over me. I just recently stepped into my Masters of Public Health program and took a vow in my heart that I would be a voice of change for those who need it...and then I closed myself off to God. I chose to pursue this dream. I chose to build my own story. I chose to help others with my talents, my time, my hard work. And then my life became about me helping others, not about the Lord intervening. I felt the wall that I had been slowly building around my heart. I felt the severed feelings and the suppressed intimacy I had with the Holy Spirit because I had chosen my dream that I would make happen.
My life is meant to be spent everyday fighting for those in desperation. And I told God, wait until I finish my Masters. My life is meant to be spent standing in the gap. And I told God, wait until I gather the materials for a bridge. My life is meant to be saturated with the Holy Spirit. And I told God, wait until I'm done having fun. If I cannot walk through the process of preparation with the Lord's call to Freedom in my heart, who is to say I will dive into my career with the mentality? If right now, right here in comfortable Colorado I do not choose to fight for other's freedom, where in my dream will it fit in?
I was stricken with grief. Not that I had broken the "good Christian code", but that I had cashed God's Masterpiece in for a shoddy knock-off riddled with sin. I cannot be a part of the Divine Story of chains breaking and voices lifting in worship and gratitude if I choose to live my life for my goals, my fun, my resume, and my adventure. I can choose my life of meaningless conversations and tasks on a To-Do list or I can choose a life of deep, fierce, and urgent purpose and freedom. I would be a fool, and have been, to believe that the two lives can coexist. I want to see miracles happen and to see God work in the present moment. I want to be in the middle of what He is up to. So, with a contrite heart, I say, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner" and with a heart full of the Holy Spirit, I say, "Use me in this world of waiting."
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Exploration
For a couple of weeks I was in Colorado with no plans and no school to attend, which meant that I had plenty of time to pour stupid money and attention into awesome things like snow shoe hiking, regular hiking, hiking in this place, and ALSO hiking in that place! Well, I had it in my heart that I was going to go on at least one solo hike, just me and nature. So on this particular day, I packed my kick-butt pale yellow snow suit, rainbow beanie, hazmat fitting snow boots, and snow shoes and took off for the mountains.
On the hike, I was completely alone, not a single other person to be seen. There was a light snow and in certain patches the sky was a brilliant blue. The pines stood tall and firm and the air was a brisk cold, not the kind that makes you feel like someone just tried to sandpaper your face off. I hiked uphill for quite some time until I reached this open space that I knew to be a lake that was completely surrounded by massive peaks covered in the most fluffy powdery snow that you could imagine. In places, the sun broke through the cloud coverage and gleamed off of sections on these peaks. I couldn't believe it. I stood still and looked at everything, being the sole pair of human eyes to be looking at that display right then. I looked back at my trail of snow that had been untouched by anything ever before. I took a break on a tree stump, stopped breathing loudly (uphill people, uphill), stopped crunching snow and just listened to the silence. I soaked it all in; the exploration was refreshing. The silence...it was stirring. God recently spoke to my heart and told me that He would give me courage to face my fears through the Beauty that I was surrounded by. In that moment, it made complete sense.
As I was hiking back down to my car I kept thinking about that statement, "Courage through Beauty." And I realized two things: 1 - my heart is bent on the thrill of discovery as beauty. 2 - I get the same feeling when I'm exploring a person's heart, it's a sense of being humbled and awed...and yet, it's been a long while since I've felt that sort of exploration. I was wondering about why that's been and realized that I had lost the idea that people are beautiful. You see, when it's not right in your face, the beauty of other's hearts and even your own, well, it becomes hard to see. I had felt like my exploration of that terrain had churned up less than glorious scenery, burned forests and dry desert, and so I shut my eyes saying, "no, it doesn't exist." I didn't even try to look further; I lost the belief that the exploration of hearts revealed beauty.
But you know, the Lord calls us into swamps, deserts, and burned forest, so that we can see the world that He believed was worth giving everything up for; the World that He still loves deeply. And He still sees the beauty. It's not always obvious through all the things that we call beautiful, good, holy, righteous, or even "right"; it's not powdery mountain tops in the background of a frozen lake; but it's there in subtle ways; it's the single flower that perseveres in the cracked dry desert; it's there through the honest question that is asked, or the vulnerable moment that is risked.
The beauty of exploration is not in the land that you see, but in the eyes that you see the land through. A snow covered lake was beautiful to me; it empowered me, and motivated me to continue through the exhaustion. I know that is the Courage God was talking about; it's a courageous beauty. A beauty that motivates. A beauty that inspires. A beauty that points to the Almighty. And all of that is found in us. Messy, sinful, broken us. We are still beautiful because we are seen through the eyes of our Father, Creator, and Redeemer. Those are the eyes that I want when looking at this new land. Those are the eyes that I want showing my heart the wonders in this world, which inspire me to be all that I can be. Because all of a sudden this world becomes wonderful, majestic, and bold. Let us explore.
On the hike, I was completely alone, not a single other person to be seen. There was a light snow and in certain patches the sky was a brilliant blue. The pines stood tall and firm and the air was a brisk cold, not the kind that makes you feel like someone just tried to sandpaper your face off. I hiked uphill for quite some time until I reached this open space that I knew to be a lake that was completely surrounded by massive peaks covered in the most fluffy powdery snow that you could imagine. In places, the sun broke through the cloud coverage and gleamed off of sections on these peaks. I couldn't believe it. I stood still and looked at everything, being the sole pair of human eyes to be looking at that display right then. I looked back at my trail of snow that had been untouched by anything ever before. I took a break on a tree stump, stopped breathing loudly (uphill people, uphill), stopped crunching snow and just listened to the silence. I soaked it all in; the exploration was refreshing. The silence...it was stirring. God recently spoke to my heart and told me that He would give me courage to face my fears through the Beauty that I was surrounded by. In that moment, it made complete sense.
As I was hiking back down to my car I kept thinking about that statement, "Courage through Beauty." And I realized two things: 1 - my heart is bent on the thrill of discovery as beauty. 2 - I get the same feeling when I'm exploring a person's heart, it's a sense of being humbled and awed...and yet, it's been a long while since I've felt that sort of exploration. I was wondering about why that's been and realized that I had lost the idea that people are beautiful. You see, when it's not right in your face, the beauty of other's hearts and even your own, well, it becomes hard to see. I had felt like my exploration of that terrain had churned up less than glorious scenery, burned forests and dry desert, and so I shut my eyes saying, "no, it doesn't exist." I didn't even try to look further; I lost the belief that the exploration of hearts revealed beauty.
But you know, the Lord calls us into swamps, deserts, and burned forest, so that we can see the world that He believed was worth giving everything up for; the World that He still loves deeply. And He still sees the beauty. It's not always obvious through all the things that we call beautiful, good, holy, righteous, or even "right"; it's not powdery mountain tops in the background of a frozen lake; but it's there in subtle ways; it's the single flower that perseveres in the cracked dry desert; it's there through the honest question that is asked, or the vulnerable moment that is risked.
The beauty of exploration is not in the land that you see, but in the eyes that you see the land through. A snow covered lake was beautiful to me; it empowered me, and motivated me to continue through the exhaustion. I know that is the Courage God was talking about; it's a courageous beauty. A beauty that motivates. A beauty that inspires. A beauty that points to the Almighty. And all of that is found in us. Messy, sinful, broken us. We are still beautiful because we are seen through the eyes of our Father, Creator, and Redeemer. Those are the eyes that I want when looking at this new land. Those are the eyes that I want showing my heart the wonders in this world, which inspire me to be all that I can be. Because all of a sudden this world becomes wonderful, majestic, and bold. Let us explore.
Friday, January 9, 2015
A Wagon Full of Memories
A wagon full of memories, pulled with delicate hands.
A little girl collecting daisies, hair blowing with the wind. Every detail memorized, every sun ray captured, in a wagon full of memories.
That wagon pulled through thick and thin hitting bumps in the road and jostling precious memories in tow. Some fall, settle into the dust, and lie there with messages of hope forgotten.
The wheels rattle over the path dropping what is known. The wagon fills with the bumps of the present.
What is so often left to settle in the dust and lay forgotten? What is known yet left behind?
I know of a pair of Eyes, that hold my favorite love, that see more than the world offers.
I know of a Heart that beats with strength in the fear, with sense in the chaos.
I know of Hands that fit mine so well and always seem to pull, pull where they've already been.
And I know of the dust that masks them.
All this to show that my eyes, my heart, my hands, they are more than I could make them; they are more than what I can even see: tools to love, tools to learn, and make this world something better.
So take care of the memories in the dust. Turn back to fill the wagon with the Truth of the Lord that loves and guides and redeems. It seems that then the wagon becomes a joy and not a burden; that life is hopeful and not despairing.
A wagon full of memories, pulled with delicate hands.
A little girl collecting daisies, hair blowing with the wind. Every detail memorized, every sun ray captured, in a wagon full of memories.
That wagon pulled through thick and thin hitting bumps in the road and jostling precious memories in tow. Some fall, settle into the dust, and lie there with messages of hope forgotten.
The wheels rattle over the path dropping what is known. The wagon fills with the bumps of the present.
What is so often left to settle in the dust and lay forgotten? What is known yet left behind?
I know of a pair of Eyes, that hold my favorite love, that see more than the world offers.
I know of a Heart that beats with strength in the fear, with sense in the chaos.
I know of Hands that fit mine so well and always seem to pull, pull where they've already been.
And I know of the dust that masks them.
All this to show that my eyes, my heart, my hands, they are more than I could make them; they are more than what I can even see: tools to love, tools to learn, and make this world something better.
So take care of the memories in the dust. Turn back to fill the wagon with the Truth of the Lord that loves and guides and redeems. It seems that then the wagon becomes a joy and not a burden; that life is hopeful and not despairing.
A wagon full of memories, pulled with delicate hands.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Worth Protecting
Do you ever have those days where you feel like you're just waiting. You don't really know what you're waiting for, but it just feels like everything you do and everywhere you go there's something on pause. Or maybe, you have those weeks, or months, or years?
I drive around on days like that and it just feels like everything is distant from me. I'm in this different reality where time stands still and I'm just watching and waiting. I don't actually get to participate in the moment, I don't get to fully be present in the conversation, in the task, in the adventure. Usually it settles in when I don't get enough sleep you know, sort of like that caffeine buzz where you're running on fumes instead of actual gas and you have this unnecessarily dramatic, "what is my life?" moment as you stare off to the upper left.
Well, I feel like my waiting game has been going on for a long time now and you know what I feel robbed; like, I'm missing out on something that I want to be a part of but can't, an adventure that I can see but I can't touch. I've thought about it and I've come to this weird connection. The more I think about myself, the more selfish that I become, the farther from living I get. I had this moment where I realized that those who are selfish don't get to leave an impact on this world. And if you know me then you know that making an impact in this world is something I crave more than pregnant women crave ice cream (I don't actually know if that happens, but it seems true). It seems counterintuitive really. The more you pursue things for you, the less you truly benefit. The less moments where you feel full, saturated, and alive.
I've been selfishly protecting myself from being hurt lately and while it is so natural to react to situations, relationships, and future plans with walls and safety nets we have to sacrifice to do so. In the process of safety proofing our lives we lose that moment right before you dive into the waterfall heart racing, fear being battled, we lose the moment right as you crest the mountain and everything you've climbed unfolds below you, the moment that you catch the last rays of sun gleaming off of the water, you forfeit the spark of life for a dull musty constant. Isn't it weird that when you start protecting yourself you begin to lose everything worth protecting? You lose the life you've wanted to preserve. It's like when you try to hoard up on some really good food before it gets discontinued (like twinkies that one time in that one place...you remember when that happened right?) and then you don't ever really get around to eating it, but instead you watch it mold on the countertop (well, not with twinkles those things could survive a nuclear attack).
What's really worth protecting though? Your version of success? Your image? Your laughter? Your light-heartedness? I've tried these past few months to protect these things against life's harsh themes and uncertain obstacles. And you know what, I feel empty. I feel less content in laughing, less light-hearted, and more trapped then before. I'm stepping into this realization that I can't protect my life (and will probably have to step into this again sometime in the future). I can't hold onto my dreams with clenched fists, eyes shut tight, whispering, "please, please, please". I can't always prepare. I can't always be certain. I think it's time for me to stop trying to protect myself and just let go, to let parts of me get chipped away and bruised. Maybe then I'll actually taste what I'm eating, I'll actually laugh when I'm brimming with joy, and I'll actually feel like my image. I'll stand at the edge of the crowd and dance instead of compare, because maybe then I'll look at God and need not look anywhere else. I'll hold the gaze and then break out into a smile laughing at the inside joke that my Lord and I share. I hear him say with amusement in His voice, "see, you let go of those dreams and I'll be able to take a hold of them and show you how they were just a foothill compared to the mountains. Let's go to the mountains."
I have this awesome feeling that when I follow Him there, I will realize that I am more than I originally thought I could be. I will realize the reason for being light-hearted, the glory that leads me to life-filled laughter. I will feel safe no matter what happens. Whether it be from instability (relationally or financially), my own fears, or from disappointments in life. I will be able to be weak and not feel the shame or the inadequacy that so naturally comes when my strength wavers. I will be safe from hopeless heartbreak. Then I will be free.
I look to the Lord now and I get to say "Lead me" and I hear back ever so quiet, "Forever and always my Daughter."
With a light-heart, I can rest.
I drive around on days like that and it just feels like everything is distant from me. I'm in this different reality where time stands still and I'm just watching and waiting. I don't actually get to participate in the moment, I don't get to fully be present in the conversation, in the task, in the adventure. Usually it settles in when I don't get enough sleep you know, sort of like that caffeine buzz where you're running on fumes instead of actual gas and you have this unnecessarily dramatic, "what is my life?" moment as you stare off to the upper left.
Well, I feel like my waiting game has been going on for a long time now and you know what I feel robbed; like, I'm missing out on something that I want to be a part of but can't, an adventure that I can see but I can't touch. I've thought about it and I've come to this weird connection. The more I think about myself, the more selfish that I become, the farther from living I get. I had this moment where I realized that those who are selfish don't get to leave an impact on this world. And if you know me then you know that making an impact in this world is something I crave more than pregnant women crave ice cream (I don't actually know if that happens, but it seems true). It seems counterintuitive really. The more you pursue things for you, the less you truly benefit. The less moments where you feel full, saturated, and alive.
I've been selfishly protecting myself from being hurt lately and while it is so natural to react to situations, relationships, and future plans with walls and safety nets we have to sacrifice to do so. In the process of safety proofing our lives we lose that moment right before you dive into the waterfall heart racing, fear being battled, we lose the moment right as you crest the mountain and everything you've climbed unfolds below you, the moment that you catch the last rays of sun gleaming off of the water, you forfeit the spark of life for a dull musty constant. Isn't it weird that when you start protecting yourself you begin to lose everything worth protecting? You lose the life you've wanted to preserve. It's like when you try to hoard up on some really good food before it gets discontinued (like twinkies that one time in that one place...you remember when that happened right?) and then you don't ever really get around to eating it, but instead you watch it mold on the countertop (well, not with twinkles those things could survive a nuclear attack).
What's really worth protecting though? Your version of success? Your image? Your laughter? Your light-heartedness? I've tried these past few months to protect these things against life's harsh themes and uncertain obstacles. And you know what, I feel empty. I feel less content in laughing, less light-hearted, and more trapped then before. I'm stepping into this realization that I can't protect my life (and will probably have to step into this again sometime in the future). I can't hold onto my dreams with clenched fists, eyes shut tight, whispering, "please, please, please". I can't always prepare. I can't always be certain. I think it's time for me to stop trying to protect myself and just let go, to let parts of me get chipped away and bruised. Maybe then I'll actually taste what I'm eating, I'll actually laugh when I'm brimming with joy, and I'll actually feel like my image. I'll stand at the edge of the crowd and dance instead of compare, because maybe then I'll look at God and need not look anywhere else. I'll hold the gaze and then break out into a smile laughing at the inside joke that my Lord and I share. I hear him say with amusement in His voice, "see, you let go of those dreams and I'll be able to take a hold of them and show you how they were just a foothill compared to the mountains. Let's go to the mountains."
I have this awesome feeling that when I follow Him there, I will realize that I am more than I originally thought I could be. I will realize the reason for being light-hearted, the glory that leads me to life-filled laughter. I will feel safe no matter what happens. Whether it be from instability (relationally or financially), my own fears, or from disappointments in life. I will be able to be weak and not feel the shame or the inadequacy that so naturally comes when my strength wavers. I will be safe from hopeless heartbreak. Then I will be free.
I look to the Lord now and I get to say "Lead me" and I hear back ever so quiet, "Forever and always my Daughter."
With a light-heart, I can rest.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
The Insecure Sower
I had a conversation with someone the other day that launched me into this crazy train of thought. This person is unbelievably awesome, but insecurity has infiltrated the way that they live and see themselves. Now I could say that this person used to be me (and it was) and you all would be like "Whoa, crazy writing technique where she described someone else and was like psych it's her." But, that's not exactly where I'm going, so calm down. This was an actually different person then me and you know, I bet some of you are reading this and are saying that it applies to you, or your best friend, or your parents, or your sibling, or whatever. I think it's safe to say that we all know someone who struggles with insecurity.
I was praying for this person and The Parable of the Sower popped into my head, so I read it. But, this time I read it from my old perspective. My old perspective of self-doubt, relational validation, and radical insecurity. Now the parable can be found in Matthew 13, and Mark 4, and Luke 8, yes it's popular. If you don't know it I definitely encourage you to read it, but essentially it's about a farmer who is sowing seeds in his garden and it describes the fate of the seeds in different environments: the path, rocky places, thorns, and good soil. Jesus uses it for a metaphor of how people in this world will react to the Gospel message. It's a beautiful message, full of hard truth. But you see I used to read it like this (putting myself in as the farmer sowing the seed, spreading the Gospel). When the seed fell on the path and the birds ate it, I would say, "how stupid! I threw the seed too far (I tried too hard to get these people to convert) and now look what I've done. How pathetic am I?" When the seed fell on the rocky places I would say, "how lazy! I didn't take the time to lift each one of these stones and make a good soil patch (devoted more time and efforts to these people's problems) for these seeds to grow. How selfish am I?" When the seed fell among the thorns I would say, "Where was I to protect them from all these thorns (hardships in life). What a terrible person am I?" And when the seeds fell on the good soil and took root I wouldn't even notice because I was so fixed on my failure OR I would take it as my "month fix" of the good-Christian high until it all faded and I felt like crap about myself all over again.
It doesn't have to be that extreme though. Think about it, how many times have we beat ourselves over the head because we tried too hard and we turned people away, or simply didn't care enough about other people's problems (Christian or not), or didn't protect people from feeling/going through terrible things and now we feel responsible for their pain or their emotions? How many times have we said, look what I've done! And then felt guilt, shame, and self-loathing or even pride and self-righteousness for the success or happiness that they feel.
Notice how Jesus explains the parable. He doesn't say, "See, the reason these people suffered and rejected me was because of that incompetent, selfish, lazy believer who was spreading my message of love and wholeness all wrong!" He says to the disciples that this WORLD is full of affliction and trials (sometimes even caused by our belief in the Word) and the influence of the evil one. He explains how these things get in the way for these seeds, that they are robbed by the world, not our actions or lack of action. We are not responsible for other's change! Contrary to popular belief, we do not control other's emotions, either good or bad! We can influence them for sure, but ultimately it is a choice on the person's part to feel a certain way. And the way that someone changes is based off of a relationship between them and their Father, their God. It is a unique relationship for THEM, just as YOU have a unique relationship with YOUR Father. So often we place our identity in where the seed fell and how people reacted. Did they reject you? Did they accept you? Have you failed in your ultimate purpose and thus failed as a person, or have you succeeded? It is so circumstantial, an identity placed on others. It is risky; it is hard; it is impossible to have a security in who we are, based off of other people, no matter how awesome they are. I am not saying, don't pour out and care about others. Please don't take that away. I am saying pour out and care about others because you know how poured into and cared about by God you are. Love others because you know you are loved. Be selfless because you know how valuable you are and you don't need to drag that question into every scenario in your life. Be selfless because you can, because everything in your life does not center around finding your own happiness; because you don't need to be seen by others, because you are ALREADY SEEN by God. That is why we should care for other people. That is how we can become selfless.
Imagine what it would be like to have your identity placed in the Gospel message that you are spreading, on the God that you are working for. Imagine what it would be like for someone to be having a crappy day and you don't immediately jump to what you did wrong to make them feel that way. Imagine the freedom you would have to love others and not have to think about yourself in it! Imagine the way that you would get to spread God's love - through sincerity and joy, not out of obligation or a necessity to feel like a good person or to have God maybe love the wretched person that you think you are. GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR ACTIONS ARE. He loves you right now as you are - struggling through that sin, being that much of a mess. He loves you. Just sit in that. NO, don't do anything. Let it sit with you. Let it sink in. Let it infiltrate your brain and your heart. Hear it from God himself. My friend. My family. Don't let insecurity rob you of the FULL life that God has in store for you. Don't let it rob you of the Woman or Man that God is making you into. Don't let it rob you of the journey He takes you on; don't let it rob you of joy. Because it is a genius ploy of the enemies. But it doesn't have to be. "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - 1 John 4:4.
I was praying for this person and The Parable of the Sower popped into my head, so I read it. But, this time I read it from my old perspective. My old perspective of self-doubt, relational validation, and radical insecurity. Now the parable can be found in Matthew 13, and Mark 4, and Luke 8, yes it's popular. If you don't know it I definitely encourage you to read it, but essentially it's about a farmer who is sowing seeds in his garden and it describes the fate of the seeds in different environments: the path, rocky places, thorns, and good soil. Jesus uses it for a metaphor of how people in this world will react to the Gospel message. It's a beautiful message, full of hard truth. But you see I used to read it like this (putting myself in as the farmer sowing the seed, spreading the Gospel). When the seed fell on the path and the birds ate it, I would say, "how stupid! I threw the seed too far (I tried too hard to get these people to convert) and now look what I've done. How pathetic am I?" When the seed fell on the rocky places I would say, "how lazy! I didn't take the time to lift each one of these stones and make a good soil patch (devoted more time and efforts to these people's problems) for these seeds to grow. How selfish am I?" When the seed fell among the thorns I would say, "Where was I to protect them from all these thorns (hardships in life). What a terrible person am I?" And when the seeds fell on the good soil and took root I wouldn't even notice because I was so fixed on my failure OR I would take it as my "month fix" of the good-Christian high until it all faded and I felt like crap about myself all over again.
It doesn't have to be that extreme though. Think about it, how many times have we beat ourselves over the head because we tried too hard and we turned people away, or simply didn't care enough about other people's problems (Christian or not), or didn't protect people from feeling/going through terrible things and now we feel responsible for their pain or their emotions? How many times have we said, look what I've done! And then felt guilt, shame, and self-loathing or even pride and self-righteousness for the success or happiness that they feel.
Notice how Jesus explains the parable. He doesn't say, "See, the reason these people suffered and rejected me was because of that incompetent, selfish, lazy believer who was spreading my message of love and wholeness all wrong!" He says to the disciples that this WORLD is full of affliction and trials (sometimes even caused by our belief in the Word) and the influence of the evil one. He explains how these things get in the way for these seeds, that they are robbed by the world, not our actions or lack of action. We are not responsible for other's change! Contrary to popular belief, we do not control other's emotions, either good or bad! We can influence them for sure, but ultimately it is a choice on the person's part to feel a certain way. And the way that someone changes is based off of a relationship between them and their Father, their God. It is a unique relationship for THEM, just as YOU have a unique relationship with YOUR Father. So often we place our identity in where the seed fell and how people reacted. Did they reject you? Did they accept you? Have you failed in your ultimate purpose and thus failed as a person, or have you succeeded? It is so circumstantial, an identity placed on others. It is risky; it is hard; it is impossible to have a security in who we are, based off of other people, no matter how awesome they are. I am not saying, don't pour out and care about others. Please don't take that away. I am saying pour out and care about others because you know how poured into and cared about by God you are. Love others because you know you are loved. Be selfless because you know how valuable you are and you don't need to drag that question into every scenario in your life. Be selfless because you can, because everything in your life does not center around finding your own happiness; because you don't need to be seen by others, because you are ALREADY SEEN by God. That is why we should care for other people. That is how we can become selfless.
Imagine what it would be like to have your identity placed in the Gospel message that you are spreading, on the God that you are working for. Imagine what it would be like for someone to be having a crappy day and you don't immediately jump to what you did wrong to make them feel that way. Imagine the freedom you would have to love others and not have to think about yourself in it! Imagine the way that you would get to spread God's love - through sincerity and joy, not out of obligation or a necessity to feel like a good person or to have God maybe love the wretched person that you think you are. GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOUR ACTIONS ARE. He loves you right now as you are - struggling through that sin, being that much of a mess. He loves you. Just sit in that. NO, don't do anything. Let it sit with you. Let it sink in. Let it infiltrate your brain and your heart. Hear it from God himself. My friend. My family. Don't let insecurity rob you of the FULL life that God has in store for you. Don't let it rob you of the Woman or Man that God is making you into. Don't let it rob you of the journey He takes you on; don't let it rob you of joy. Because it is a genius ploy of the enemies. But it doesn't have to be. "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - 1 John 4:4.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Stillness
It will create you or destroy you.
The stillness will be either stifling or freeing. It will evoke potential or regret. It will be the calm before the storm or the disaster there after. We choose in the stillness who we will become. We choose our guide, our voice of reason, our God or gods. We choose where we go no further. We choose to cut the rope, or tighten the noose. We choose between fear or courage.
In the stillness our foundation is laid. Every noise, every movement, every detail is noticed. Every thought, every belief is important. In the stillness we let go or we tense up. In the stillness we run or we fall.
The art has been lost in our world of adrenaline and success. The talent of non-movement, of standing still, has been written off as something of the past when there were no video games, internet, or glowing TV screens.
As a generation we pound our chests and proclaim: We are efficient, we are productive, we are driven, we are success. Well, we are sinking.
We are sinking in our ideals of identity and happiness. We believe that we can control our insecurity and beliefs through sheer force of will. We look to our own hands as the key to a full life and we grow grace-less in our works.
If we avoid the stillness - we avoid decision, purpose, true adventure, and true courage. If we avoid the stillness, we neither tense nor relax, run nor fall, fulfill potential nor regret lost potential. If we avoid stillness, then we successfully avoid risk. And without risk we feel no pain, we feel no love. We are safe in our metal box, filled with nothing worth protecting. If we avoid the stillness, we become our fears swaying in the winds of insecurity and uncertainty.
But, it is not until you stare down the empty road that you begin the journey.
There is a voice, waiting to be heard in the stillness, calling each one of us. Sit, don't move, let the panic settle and subside and know who you are. For when you stand again, it will be with new life.
Monday, September 8, 2014
The Rich Life
I am a newbie Coloradan - fresh from the Indiana farmland by two weeks - and have been in the process of searching for a church. Well, I've taken up a terrible habit of sleeping in until like 10am every day because I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday. Needless to say, my morning Sunday habits have become entirely void these past couple weeks. Ergo, criteria for a church = offers a night service. =] There are two churches here who do that. One of them meets at 6pm and the other at 5:30pm. Last week, I went to the 6pm one, and it was great. So, of course, I decided to go back to it this week. I packed all my homework for after church shenanigans (#lifeofagradstudent) and left the house relatively early, for me. I walked into the church at 5pm in extreme confidence that I was right on time. False, the doors were locked and people looked at me like a crazy for even trying to get in. Regardless they let me in and I walked straight to the coffee providing counter (another plus for this church) grabbed coffee and then realized I AM AN HOUR EARLY!!! So, I walked out the other door because who are we kidding I'm not standing around in a church lobby for an hour! I got in the car and spontaneously decided to try out this other 5:30pm church. So I drove over to a different church with ANOTHER church's coffee in my car. That was when extreme coffee guilt settled in and I took action. I guzzled the whole coffee while sitting in the comfort of my judge-free zone car and walked in real casual like.
I tell you what, I have a strong belief that God led me through those doors that day, using my absolute disastrous attention to time. I sat in this church service as the pastor slammed us with the absolute awe that comes with the GLORY of God. The Glory that we get to respond to through worship, right? So we had a great time of worship and I had this moment when I stopped singing and listened to the body of believers sing with all of their hearts to a Glorious God and I couldn't help but goose bumps. After church, I decided to go to the top of this mountain to watch the sunset and took off racing the sunset all the way to the top. I got to this parking lot, looking over a small lake with the full moon already gleaming and the gradient of orange, pink, green, light blue, and dark blue alive in the sky. The foreground was the town I have already grown to love, Fort Collins, and the background was another mountain range where the sun rays pierced the sky. I rolled down my windows and walked to the waters edge as Fix My Eyes by Kings Kaleidoscope blared from my car. I stood, captivated. A stupid grin plastered on my face as I spun in a slow circle taking in the absolute beauty that was around me.
I've known that feeling a few times before in my life. In the times when all of my best friends are in one room or when a particular song has left me dumb-struck. The times when I have stood atop a mountain or in the middle of a forest or on a surfboard in the ocean or in a wide open meadow. It is a moment when time stands still and my heart is soaked in joy. That for me is worship. It is when I am so intentionally present that I can see God's timeline meet mine and it catches my breath and makes my heart swell. It is a second, or an hour, or a day where I believe that everything that God says about me is true; that He is doing something special in my live right now and I can see it. When I know that God is fulfilling a desire of my heart in that moment. It is when God gives me a glimpse of how good, how glorious, and how beautiful He is and it leaves me feeling saturated and alive. It is a gift. A gift that allows me to forgive, to survive heart ache, and to be sacrificial with my life; yet, in that process I feel more satisfied then ever before, more whole, more loved, more pursued...
You know what, it is a rich life we get to live and I for one love living it.
I tell you what, I have a strong belief that God led me through those doors that day, using my absolute disastrous attention to time. I sat in this church service as the pastor slammed us with the absolute awe that comes with the GLORY of God. The Glory that we get to respond to through worship, right? So we had a great time of worship and I had this moment when I stopped singing and listened to the body of believers sing with all of their hearts to a Glorious God and I couldn't help but goose bumps. After church, I decided to go to the top of this mountain to watch the sunset and took off racing the sunset all the way to the top. I got to this parking lot, looking over a small lake with the full moon already gleaming and the gradient of orange, pink, green, light blue, and dark blue alive in the sky. The foreground was the town I have already grown to love, Fort Collins, and the background was another mountain range where the sun rays pierced the sky. I rolled down my windows and walked to the waters edge as Fix My Eyes by Kings Kaleidoscope blared from my car. I stood, captivated. A stupid grin plastered on my face as I spun in a slow circle taking in the absolute beauty that was around me.
I've known that feeling a few times before in my life. In the times when all of my best friends are in one room or when a particular song has left me dumb-struck. The times when I have stood atop a mountain or in the middle of a forest or on a surfboard in the ocean or in a wide open meadow. It is a moment when time stands still and my heart is soaked in joy. That for me is worship. It is when I am so intentionally present that I can see God's timeline meet mine and it catches my breath and makes my heart swell. It is a second, or an hour, or a day where I believe that everything that God says about me is true; that He is doing something special in my live right now and I can see it. When I know that God is fulfilling a desire of my heart in that moment. It is when God gives me a glimpse of how good, how glorious, and how beautiful He is and it leaves me feeling saturated and alive. It is a gift. A gift that allows me to forgive, to survive heart ache, and to be sacrificial with my life; yet, in that process I feel more satisfied then ever before, more whole, more loved, more pursued...
You know what, it is a rich life we get to live and I for one love living it.
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