I link all of these things together in my life. I feel that if I can only attain these things, then the situations and emotions that I don't really want to face or struggle through go away. If I'm funny enough or have enough people around me feeding off of my energy, if I struggle independently and not tell anyone I'm struggling, then it makes the struggle non-existent. If I hide my emotions and thoughts well enough then they will stop existing, they'll go away. If I can carry myself through my hurt, then I don't have to be vulnerable and life is better. All of this seems to act in a cyclone effect, the more I hide, the more I hurt and the more I hurt the more I want to hide, do you see how that goes? Never really seeming that you're better?
Now, I've got this friend, she's a sophomore in my Campus Crusade group and she's got this post-it note pinned to her desk. It's bright yellow, like neon yellow, the kind that when you see you feel that a bit of your retina has been eternally damaged, and on this yellow card it says, "God, you are bigger than_____". When I see that card (every time I go into her room, guaranteed), I put "my pride" in that blank and my fierce desire to struggle on my own is shone for the weakness that it is. The Lord made us to be vulnerable with each other for a reason. When we take down our walls with each other, when we lose the self-assurance, then we find our SECURITY in the Lord, and not in ourselves. It's better then anything we could have provided, we are filled with the Lord's LOVE and we are empowered to share His Grace.
"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40: 12. God, You are bigger then my pride, You are bigger then my insecurity, You are bigger then my pain, and my struggles. God, You are bigger then my Walls. You are bigger than my fears, You are bigger then my purpose alone, You are bigger than my agenda, my grades, my success, and my thoughts.
Fulfilled Promises, Sincerity, Empathy, Love, Beauty, Grace, Purpose, Mercy, Compassion, ABBA FATHER, my SECURITY.