Sunday, January 26, 2014

A Different Type of Leaving

I grew up in California and I go to school in Indiana. I remember the time when I was deciding what college I would attend. In that time, I looked around the place that I made so many memories and said to myself, "I have to go." So, I packed up my things, said my good-byes and flew across the country to "go" to school. I had that feeling so strongly that I had told my mom years in advance that I was going to leave

A little sidetrack now. I called my sister and was talking to her about some future plans. We were just chatting and I was going through my normal routine of verbal processing/planning. And I finished that conversation, with, "I think it's time for me to come home." As I was saying the words I found myself choking up. As I was typing that sentence I started to choke up. For a long time I didn't know why every time I said those words I got emotional, but I think it's starting to fall in place now, especially in light of the next big decision (graduating from college) I have to make. When I was leaving home the first time, I was running from my past, who I was, and what was in that place. I ran because I wasn't brave enough to face my issues. As the years have passed I have found the strength and courage in God to walk through those things and am a radically different person now. I am no longer running a race to try to stay just one step ahead of my brokenness and shame. I am learning the power of staying and of rest. But, that whole term "coming home" is a hard one for me because I have spent my whole life focused on "leaving home". Because home is what I know, it is what I am familiar with, it is what formed me, and it is a deep part of me. And for a long time I hated everything about myself, home included. But now, I am a Daughter of God. One who is fought for and loved unconditionally. I am a Woman who fights for grace, mercy, and compassion. I am valued for who I am in Christ, not what I do or don't do. And now I know I have a God who is saying, "I think it's time for you to come home."

I have no idea what that means, or what I will face in the journey of "coming home". I have a feeling that it will encompass me walking alongside God and in His Will a heck of a lot more. I feel like I've been on this journey so far, out to sea, away from everything that I have known, learning what it means to be me, what it means to embrace pain and to seek hope in the extreme darkness. I have been on a journey to understand what it is that I really believe and which thoughts and emotions are in Truth and which ones are in deception. I have journeyed into my lands of judgment and malice and sought to understand the roots from which they grew. No matter how changed you are, no matter how "strong" you have become, it is scary to walk the halls where tragedy and heartache has occurred, and that is all the more evident in light of the shooting here at Purdue. But now, it's time to come back to the places I ran from and begin to walk once again in the desolate land that I left so long ago. It's time to stand up in the lands where I once was weak and begin to fight for those who are in the same place I once was. It's time to get my hands dirty, it's time to "come home" to this world that is broken, but with a renewed hope and a strong heart full of identity, purpose, and grace.

So, yes, I will go, somewhere and somehow. When I graduate, I will go someplace new and be surrounded by new people. I will leave behind everything I worked for on this campus, the familiar sites and the places that I called home for so long. I will pack my bags, say my good-byes, and get on a plane to I don't even know where yet. I will be the only one who knows my past, my tendencies, and my memories. But, my leaving is no longer about me and my fear, and that is what makes all the difference. So, this time I will leave not to run, but to "come home".

1 comment:

  1. I have watched you walk this path, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I couldn't be more proud of how you have conducted yourself in this self discovery, healing, and journey. You are a remarkable woman of God, and it is wonderful to behold you living that out. My prayers for you have never ended, and my love for you is undying. I look forward to watching your precious life unfold.