Security

Walls, Pride, Self-Assurance, Solitude, Hiding, Plans, Humor, Energy, Chaos, SECURITY.

I link all of these things together in my life. I feel that if I can only attain these things, then the situations and emotions that I don't really want to face or struggle through go away. If I'm funny enough or have enough people around me feeding off of my energy, if I struggle independently and not tell anyone I'm struggling, then it makes the struggle non-existent. If I hide my emotions and thoughts well enough then they will stop existing, they'll go away. If I can carry myself through my hurt, then I don't have to be vulnerable and life is better. All of this seems to act in a cyclone effect, the more I hide, the more I hurt and the more I hurt the more I want to hide, do you see how that goes? Never really seeming that you're better?

Now, I've got this friend, she's a sophomore in my Campus Crusade group and she's got this post-it note pinned to her desk. It's bright yellow, like neon yellow, the kind that when you see you feel that a bit of your retina has been eternally damaged, and on this yellow card it says, "God, you are bigger than_____". When I see that card (every time I go into her room, guaranteed), I put "my pride" in that blank and my fierce desire to struggle on my own is shone for the weakness that it is. The Lord made us to be vulnerable with each other for a reason. When we take down our walls with each other, when we lose the self-assurance, then we find our SECURITY in the Lord, and not in ourselves. It's better then anything we could have provided, we are filled with the Lord's LOVE and we are empowered to share His Grace.

"Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40: 12. God, You are bigger then my pride, You are bigger then my insecurity, You are bigger then my pain, and my struggles. God, You are bigger then my Walls. You are bigger than my fears, You are bigger then my purpose alone, You are bigger than my agenda, my grades, my success, and my thoughts.

Fulfilled Promises, Sincerity, Empathy, Love, Beauty, Grace, Purpose, Mercy, Compassion, ABBA FATHER, my SECURITY.

Slideshows

Every once in a while I enjoy looking through a slideshow of the many many pictures that accumulate in my computer. I usually pick a few folders, arrange the slideshow so that i get three or four pictures zooming in and out of the frame every 5 seconds or so and I listen to some beautiful violin or piano in the background and I let my mind go.

It dawned on me as I was looking at the faces of the people in each shot that these pictures were only telling half stories; they only told the surface. We see the happiness that was captured when someone said "smile". But, what if that's not what they wanted to be doing at that point in their lives. If we were to put a word to the emotion they were really feeling and express it to them as we shot the picture what would we say?, "frown", "yell", "hide", "jump", "run", "pretend", "despair", "cut", "fear", "hit"? If we were to put our lives on a slideshow on our computers, three to four pictures per frame, going through every 5 seconds or so, what images would we collect? Let's cut the crap that we would have nothing but smiling, fashion model shots on the beach with our hair being blown back (for you women) or blue-steeling it up (for you men).

What would your slideshow reveal? Mine would hold shots of pain, some of joy, fear, doubt, insecurity, self-fulfillment, self-loathing, jealousy, pride, Godly deeds, tears, and success. I would have shots of destitute, ones of me shot sitting in the background as life and people passed me by, not really seeing that I was even there. There would be shots of me with my foot on someones head, fist raised high as I judged others, face contorted in evil as I burned them with the "Christian" morals. I would have shots of me reaching down to the lost child, sincere love on my face. There would be images of hate as I viciously clawed at the open back of a friend or a family member as they tried to walk out of my life. And in some I would be placed on a pedestal, feeling the benefits of the limelight from my peers. And that's just a few.

As you compile your slideshow, don't sugar coat your life. Don't leave out the things that you're not proud of. This is the slideshow you'll be giving to God at His Throne in the End, you think He hasn't seen it already? He was the photographer! Play this slideshow, but then I want you to remember who Christ is in your life, and the role He gets to play in this slideshow. He's that last shot where the sun is aglow, the water is spewing perfectly into the air, with grace and power. He's that shot of hope.

"For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! " Romans 5:15. 


And if you don't know Christ yet in your slideshow, I encourage you to read through Matthew 26-28 to find out who He is. Ask  a local pastor or a friend you know is a Christian. Trust me on this one, He makes the Ultimate Pull on the review of your slideshow by the Ultimate Critic.

Life as we know it.

So recently, instead of studying I've been watching Grey's Anatomy (thanks for another addiction to fight Taylor Vega. :p ) and I would just like to mark down some of the things that this woman goes through just in her like 1 to 2 years as a surgeon.

She watches as her Alzheimer's mother goes all crazy-beserk on her, first having to keep it a secret because that's what she wanted. Then she falls in love with her attending only to find out that he's married. She nearly drowns in the ocean trying to save a wounded man, and she literally "dies" and comes back. She grabs an active bomb out of a patient and then watches as it explodes, killing the bomb squad dude in the hall right in front of her. Her mother dies while she's in hypothermia from the near-drowning experience. She watches her husband get shot and nearly die. She herself almost dies because she tells the shooter to kill her when he tries to kill her best friend Christina as she operates on Derek's gunshot wound. She has to watch as her good friend Izzy is dying of cancer and her other good friend George dies after getting hit and dragged by a bus. Her father has a new family and every time Meredith talks to him she feels the pains of him leaving her behind. Christina turns on her after the drama of the mass murders and will no longer talk to her, blaming her for what happened (her trauma). Her step-mother dies and her father blames it on her, resorting to violence as he slaps her and casts her out of his life again. Meredith has a miscarriage with her then husband's baby the very same day that Derek was shot in the mass murder.

Now, how could all that happen in a person's life and they still function on a normal emotional level? More importantly why do we seem to be enthralled by her life and even rise to levels of envy at times? We become so obsessed with action and excitement that we forget what real life feels like. Real life does not give us the opportunities to almost die to appreciate life. Real life doesn't always force us to make decisions that are life-altering; therefore life in our world is unclear, hazy, and confusing. Now don't you find it interesting that some of us would rather have our lives be ridden full of pain and grief if we could just have those decisions that define us be spelled out in the air?

It's time to embrace our world and understand that life here is confusing and we cannot wait to die to live again, because we don't often have movie saves, and second-chances. We cannot be complacent waiting for our life to offer us excitement and force us into making a decision about what we believe. Most of us live in a lukewarm existence, not wanting to risk living until it is forced upon us. But, lukewarm is not an option, we are called to live in a passionate manner that glorifies Christ. "So because you are lukewarm -- neither hot nor cold -- I am about to spit you out of my mouth" Romans 3:16. We can wait no longer, we must live, and who do we look towards to inspire and strengthen us? LIVE for God, don't merely breathe for Him.

Life is not about the Mundane

Life is a movement through each day. We wake up, brush our teeth, put our clothes on and step out of the door into the outside world. Then we walk, walk to our cars, walk to our bikes, walk to our destination. We use muscles, breathe oxygen, balance our bodies, perceive our surroundings, and let thoughts shoot through our brain at a billion miles per hour. It's a daily thing, we don't think about it we just do it.

We have fear in our hearts, we compare our lives to others, we look in the mirror and pinch fat, flex muscles, and long for something else. We judge, we follow that cute boy or girl a little too long, letting our minds go too far. We say mean, pointed things, we sugar coat the truth, we lie to get our way, and we feel shame. These are daily things we often don't think about; we just do them.

We are not God, and we could never be good enough for Him. Our human nature sins and becomes complacent; we let our fire die, and we lose our passion. We don't glorify the Lord, we don't please Him. So, in order to live a life pleasing to the Lord we must be completely dependent on Him. We cannot seek freedom elsewhere cause we won't find it; we cannot control our own lives because we will fail, as is etched in all human future. We will never be good enough. So, cast burdens on Him, cry at His feet, cut people out of our lives, give everything you are to Him, because I guarantee that whatever you offer is not better then what He gives.

Life is a movement through each day. We can wake up, praise God, brush our teeth, and thank Him. We can put our clothes on and step out of the door into the outside world, ready to do His Will. We can walk to our destination, using our muscles, breathing the oxygen, balancing our bodies and perceiving our surroundings in full awareness that the Lord gave it all to us. We can let our thoughts shoot through our brain about the Lord and in conversation with Him. It can be our daily thing.

So, let us depend on Christ. Depend on His Words, His Promises, and His Faithfulness. Let us grow in His Name and not in our own.

Foundations of One Question

Today, I spent the night at a coffeehouse looking out a window as it poured cats and dogs and thundered and lightninged. I sat down and listened to the wind whistle through every crack and crevice. Now, I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but I couldn't help but eavesdrop on the three lovely ladies sitting right next to me (stalking is my second nature). It was three moms, gorgeous and pretty and they were all sitting down to coffee and talking about "life". You know I sat there for four hours (I'm struggling in calc what can I say. =]) and the only conversation I heard from them was about staying fit and what "Jimmy" said that was so cute or what others said about him. Everything was about the image. How to stay fit, how proud one of them was that their child was desiring how to eat right and stay fit. How tall one of their sons was and how great he was at basketball. How much unhealthy food one could feed her sons because their metabolism was crazy good. Is this really all that there is to talk about in life? I sure hope not. I hope that when I am a mom that my life, my coffeeshop conversations are more than talk about image and the world. I hope that my conversations will be full of meaning and depth, full of God. Have we ever stopped to even ask the question what our life is all about?

What is life about? Seriously, if I were to sit down to some coffee across the table from you and throw you that question, how would you answer it? Our lives are based off of our answer, you know that right? Because from that answer comes our motivation and our plans. That answer supplies our support system and the ways that we comfort ourselves. Wouldn't it be scary if we didn't know that the answer we came up with was the right one? That our whole life was based on a gamble that we were right about the decision we made. How can we even be trusted to make a decision like that? How many times have we been wrong about something? Quite often if you're like me. If we are wrong about other things can't the answer to this question be wrong too? We are human and we cannot accurately answer this question without heart-wrenching doubts. But, I think that this is not the only option we have to find the answer.

Love - Our View vs. His

How many times have we heard these words about God's Love for us?:


"i hear you say 'my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between'"

"Will the Lord reject forever? Will He never show His favor again? Has His unfailing love vanished forever? Has His promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld His compassion?" -Psalm 77: 7-9.

Because it's time we heard these:

"There is no fear in Love. But perfect Love drives out fear" - 1 John 4: 18

"God is Love" - 1 John 4:16.

"Listen to me...you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will rescue you." - Isaiah 46: 3-4.

"these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends"


-Times: Tenth Avenue North

"But as for me, I trust You" -Psalm 55: 23.

Old Marriage-New Relationship

So I was talking with the Big Man Upstairs and we were just sitting there enjoying life together when it hit me, I have a personal relationship with someone who makes me feel completely safe when I'm with Him. It was like being with those that you're closest to and you don't really have to be saying something all the time. It was simply being in His Presence. Resting in Who He is. Can we just take a moment to revel at how ridiculously awesome that is?

Our God, Our Creator allows us to get so close with Him that we drop all walls when we're in His presence. He's not the president whom we meet all dolled up and wearing fancy clothes, putting on an air of professionalism. He's not our grandma whom we pretend like we've never experienced life around and we play the ignorance card on what alcohol, sex, and partying is. He's not the super awesome big brother whom we're always trying to act cool around and strong as if we're more independent then we really are. He's not the stranger whom we put on a facade for and say that our life is in order and that there are no bad things happening. And He's most definitely not that judgmental church group whom we put on our "Christian" act for.

God, He's our husband or wife after being married for years. After the passionate phase, we are settling into the niches of who each person is and enjoying just getting to know each other better. Only He's spent eternity knowing us and we are just entering into knowledge of Him, and He's loving sharing with us. He's that one person that when we see them our day is suddenly brighter. God is all the good that we can think of, and I thank Him that I can be who He has called me to be when I'm with Him: weak and vulnerable in His arms.  Now I pray I will take that to the world.